Question?

[Kim]

Years ago, our son had a friend who always said, "I'm a girl." Let me just call this boy "Johnny."

Johnny always knew he was supposed to be a girl. The first time I heard him say that, he was about 6 years old. At the time, I was also corresponding with an internet friend, a TG girl named Robin. Robin was married and, as she put it, "After my operation, my wife and I are just going to be lesbians."

I told Robin about Johnny and said, "What do you think should happen here?" Robin replied, "The best time to fix this biological error would be in early childhood, before the hormones kick in. But, you could never do that because, even if the parents were supportive, the state or DHS or somebody would have them arrested."

I didn't think to ask this question at the time, but now that I have the chance ... may I?

It sounds like there is never a case when a TG person has the opportunity to correct the body/soul mismatch in time to live a whole life as the proper gender. So there must always be an "old life:" Jobs, families, friends, spouses, kids ... people and situations that are important, that you don't want to lose in the transition to being who you really are.

How do you cope with that? How do you work through the process of trying to keep the important things in your old life, yet still be able to move on to the new?

[Dreamwalking]

I'm going to give part of the anwser and I'll let someone who has lived it more anwser the rest. Some TG's prefer to go "stealth' which means they basically kill off their old life, they don't keep the same friends, job, life, or anything. Instead they begin a whole new life as a new person.

That's the very little knowledge that I know

Jamie

[miarising]

Jamie's right...and this is a great question...

this is something I do have some experience in as I'm trying to ...well.....live a fuller life by having a life as who i am (mia)...and working hard to integrate myself..as much as possible into icky boy's life (now known as butch mia):)

dont have time to post about that now, but will for sure at length later!

Thanks, Kim for the post and Jamie for the response!

[angela]

:D That is a very good question, Jan. I'm not sure of what the answer would be to that. I think it would be easier to take care of when a person is small. Regardless of when it takes place, there are going to be some people who won't agree; like family.
Angela :D

[Dreamwalking]

Kim,

Your question made me remember something I read just the other day. I get an email daily from PlanetOut with the news in it. Here's an article I think you might find interesting.

http://www.planetout.com/news/article.html?2006/07/11/3

Jamie

[miarising]

Kim...and to all interested...

This is a great question. I have an answer, but let me clarify..this is my answer, not the answer to the question. This question's answer goes person to person, because, like with anything where you go from an 'old' life to a 'new' life, we all handle/deal with/face it differently.

Not going to rehash my entire life story, but in short..I am medically transgendered, intersexed. I have lived and functioned as a man until the last few years...that functioning has ceased in one regard due to natural hormone production..and I am working on living as a woman..as mia as much as i can in all ways....

I am married as a man and have three wonderful children and can have no more (that's what's not functioning anymore, at least not for procreation). When I first found out about my physical condition (my hormones have been heavily changing my body for about four-five years now)...i wasn't going to tell anyone...I'd hid what i thought were desires to wear women's clothes and such my whole life and was going to hide this...but that didn't happen...when breasts start growing and hair falls out all over your body and other things happen...it changes your perpsective.

So I told people...I experimented...I wanted to learn what it meant to be a woman....in all ways. This raised social, economic, personal, sexual...SEXUAL issues out the wazoo..I mean I thought I wanted to go all sorts of directions, explored domination/submission and other things..and I stumbled through it...until it got to the point that I was sure i was going to go full time and live as a woman...so I bit the bullet a few octobers back...and told my wife. She was loving and accepting and understanding.

For 12 hours.

After that it went down hill...this coincided with someone I had trusted telling people at work about me..and me being accused of sexual harrassment because I had discussed 'wanting to be a girl'. So I put it away....didnt deal with it..that lasted about a year, almost a year and a half...and i started telling people again..and dabbling again in what I thought was the direction to go..the look, the clothes etc.

March this year I post here and within a few hours of that am meeting people on here....then i had my first experience in public dressed at a waffle house in morrilton (Thank you Jamie and Delana!!) then I go out as mia dressed and all for diversity..or the thursday night event...
and then I met Jan and Kim and others who got to know mia....and that doesnt even count Dana and Karen, and others at home who supported me....

Now, I sped through the recent events because it happened like that....My direction, desire to be who I am changed with that posting in March and actually kicked into high gear that night in MOrrilton. Sitting at Jamie and Delana's, I not only had two people who were familiar with eureka and DW treat me as a woman..but they had two friends over, a married couple, who was there while I got ready...and looking like icky boy or like mia...they saw mia..they talked to me as if i was a woman..and i felt that...so thank you Jamie and Delana for making me...helping me through that night...even the waitress at Waffle House made it great!

Of course, growth occurred from there...DW and Dawn and Denise and others, all my times since in Eureka with Jan, Kim, and others...Yes, its still keeping a secret....I live as mia when im on the road after work...and i use the butch mia look (the boy look) at home and at work...but what I have learned since March is being a woman..and I believe I am..medically and now emotionally....is not about what I wear and where I can and cant look like I want to..its about how i feel, who i am, and what people perceive, not my gender...but aspects of me....

Is my old life different now? Yes...because my wife responds to me better now than ever before...does she know about mia, not in terms of me dressing, no....and we don't discuss it....but she senses the change, has commented on it...so have people I work with, people I know...people who used to not like me who like me better now....but I still hide behind clothes...and routines that I had before...but I walk differently, i let my voice go where it should..and emotionally...spiritually....i dont think anyone who really knows me even thinks of me as a man anymore....

Am I done? No, I doubt it....Am I living as I would if I felt I could..No, I doubt it...Its a middle ground for now..and for now thats' what I"ll take..Could it all come crashing down, yes, in a variety of ways...Are there still issues? Yes, but not as many...Im thankful that I've worked through the sexual issues, because that was an aspect of this that troubled me a while, not knowing myself in that way ...now I do..enough that I'm happy with who I am as a woman....And some of you have talked me through that and even helped me explore, so thank you...and some of you know why I'm done exploring now...and I thank Someone for that as well...

So, is it a double life? Yes....Is it the best, no probably not? Will I hold on to it all, dont know

Am I a woman regardless of how I Look?

Damn straight, baby

always
mia

[angela]

:D Very well said, Mia!
Angela

[CathyB59]

Kim,
As time passes it is helpful personally to retain memories of male life, and refer to them. They are simply processed without regard to gender.
When I try to completely forego or forget my male life, a feeling of unease comes over me.
The life led to date was not always great but it shaped me.

[angela]

:D Cathy, I do believe you have a well said point as well. As a former hetero, sometimes I think back and regret a lot of things that happened, but could not regret having my children; even though they drive me nuts sometimes. I also think, if I didn't go thru the things I did, I may not have met the most wonderful woman that I did. I've never had the love and support of every decision I make as I get from Lisa. So, I can definately see how not everything in the past is bad and that it shapes who we all are.
Angela :D

[Debbie]

i think mia has put it very well kim..i was recently in eureka also and met jan and kim and others and they treated like the woman i am,,everytime kim called me sister or said your a big girl now my heart lit up because i was accepted for me,,yes im giveing up old friends and family for my new life and it isnt easy,,i do have my daughter and g/f who are standing my me..and now i have new friends and a new home,,looseing the old life isnt as hard as i thought but like cathy says we have to reflect back from time to time for that was our life..we cant redo the past but we sure as hell can make a better furture..until a tg can be herself she is very lonely and hideing is so hard..so for us that do make it and will make,,we are very happy and we stick together for support.we need lots of that from everyone..tg girls love.laugh.cry.hurt just like anyone else and we want to just be ourselfs with friends and a life to be proud of..change is good

[joneyhits]

I told Robin about Johnny and said, "What do you think should happen here?" Robin replied, "The best time to fix this biological error would be in early childhood, before the hormones kick in. But, you could never do that because, even if the parents were supportive, the state or DHS or somebody would have them arrested."



Hi Kim:

No-a-days, a child that is diagnosed with Gender Identity issues can have hormone supressive therapy. The problem is society, especially social workers, think the parents, who want the the best for their child, are unfit. Hormone Suppressive Therapy can be administer until the child is 18, when they can have Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) to promote female or male secondary charateristics.

The is prevelant in the INtersex Community, since surgerys are no longer performed at birth to make the child one gender or the other. At least in the US. The only exceptions are if the childs health is in ander or functionality, is needed.

Joney

[BellaFaith]

Great question Sparky!
It does seem tragic that a being would have to go through so much pain and loss when they knew all along. From my studies and conversations I have come to the idea that the article Jamie posted is the best of all worlds.
Thank you Jamie for the link!

Because of all the media attention and brave folks willing to share their stories, there is much more awareness now about gender issues from early on, as Jonet sais, they no longer surgically change a child at birth to conform to societies will or parent or doctor convenience. So the best thing I can see is for the parents to listen to their child, as Johnny's did, and really see them for who they really are and love them for that! That's all that is required, besides a flexible and loving community/society.
If a being has unconditional love from the begining, from thier parents, and has a gender issue, it can be worked through together and as early as 6 years of age. Most, 99%, of the stories I have heard and lived are ones in which the child knew from their first memories that something was wronge with the picture. Recently I have been struck with the realization that I found this hard to really believe because it seems like such a mature and complex issue. But I now know that to the child living it, it just is. They know they are not a girl like their body, or a boy like their body, and everyone is treating them wrong. I am so thankful that there are parents these days who can accept who their child is and give them the best chance at living thier life as close to whole as possible until changes can be made.

There has been a segment on '60 Minutes' that follows twin boys whose parents are awake. One is allowed to have the boy stuff he wants, G.I. Joe, guns and trucks, while the other is allowed to have the 'girly' things he wants, princess crowns, pink nail polish and slippers. The 'girly' boy knows he is a girl and is accepted at home and at school openly living life as a girl in a boy's body! It gives me hope! They are going to track the 'boys' as they grow up.

Also, I would recommend the movie 'Trangenderation', by Randy Barbato, the guy who is coming to film Eureka Diversity Weekend, and Fenton Bailey. It is the best and most brutally honest film about transsexuals I have seen yet. It is about 4 college students going through transition, and it openly displays almost all the real life issues that are in question.