"For the benefit of a CHILD"

[CathyB59]

My g/f brother spoke with me ( and several other members at the table ) over Thanksgiving. I am welcome @ their home anytime - With one caveat forming an irritation destined to become a pearl.
He has a step-daughter who looves me. We are buddies.
To avoid promoting questions they don;t want to answer yet, The parents prefer to see Scot when My lil buddy is home.
Here's my dilemna - I understand his concerns. Life is tough enough. Why open a can of worms for a 7 year old if you don;t have to?
I was very sweet and polite and in fact echoed their sentiments.
His house, his rules. I suspect his bride's rules too, which is totally okay.
Of course this means there will be occasions I simply won;t attend.
As we sat there, adult and civivlized - Then gravity of the conversation masked by tryptophan and Old GrandDad - I announced as such. Naturally everyone was okay about it. However , 'Not with a bang' kept resounding in my psyche. You're okay as you are, just not in front of my kid. And after you transition - we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. So, Thanks for accepting me partially. :roll:
This is what I can;t resolve. If I were a mom and could either expose my kid to something early, or later, instinct says later. This isn;t transition specific. As they stated - so condescendingly - That's a bridge we'll cross when it's time. Anyone Ever heard that before? So, I am removing myself from direct contact with these folks. Less presence. After all it's better to be scorned for who you are than admired for who you are not, yes?
Honestly,I have a plan to follow, but don;t even know how to feel about it.
Has anyone else had a similar experience.?
Thanks for letting me vent. :oops:

BTW am I the only TG woman who has any of these problems? It's not exactly my place to populate a board for ES folks, though yall seem kindred spirits. I appreciate you all.

[joneyhits]

Hi Cathy:

This is a tough one. I have wonder, if given a chance, how would I deal with this. My grandparents visited me recently. Even though I did not sanitize my house, meaning I did not hide my life from them, I also did not push it either. Both of them are in their 80s. I wanted to see them, know it maybe one of the last times I get too.

Next to me, they are the most open thinking people in my family. They did make several refences to my femaleness, despite doing my best male imitation. I thought, should I or shouldn't I? Since they are getting ready to move in with my parents, who are conservative, in a very uneducated way. This is a very emotional time for them and a major life change to say the least.

They mentioned that I could hget my parents to move out of their own home by announcing ealrly retirement and tell them I am moving in. Some insight to how my family views me.

I think you are far ahead of me on that front. You have more communication and you are not an unmentioned subject. You have to ask the question, when do I start to live as me and do I want to loose my buddy, if only for a short time, in the process?

If they want to see you, tell them they have to see you as you. It seems they have more communicatin than most, so I feel an excile would be short. Plus, you make the best soccer mom. How can they turn away a soccer mom.

I could always come over and let them see a cross between a biker chic, John Bulishi, and a dare say Orca. They would see you as worthy of sainthood.

No matter what you decide, no they you have family who will support you, no matter what your relatives do. We choose our familiy, not our relatives.

Joney

8)

[DrLewall]

wow..I have some thoughts on this but reluctant to say or post anything for fear of showing my ignorance or spattering of something I know nothing abt..but since I am a cold heartless SOB, I would have no trouble shunning..wait, there I go agn, spewing away..since both of you ride, I can just picture both of you out riding together, minds clear of the pressures of home, hearts full of joy and fullfilment of a days rides, pulling up the Cathy's kin folk place in full biker battle gear and all they see are a couple of free spirits out for a ride..and when the helmets come off, they still see a couple of free spirits..good luck Cathy, I truly wish you the best on this one..it has to be tuff, I can only assume as I can't live it as you do. HUGS

[CathyB59]

Doc!!
Nice to hear from you. You can ask me anything, anytime.
Especially if it's about this subject so near and awful to me.
LOL.
Please feel free to comment, that's what this is all about.
I'm grousing. Simple fix - avoid the location.
Ultimately it's my gig, my actions, my path.
Based on early visits, I was operating under a misconception.

[Dreamwalking]

This weekend a friend of ours was over that has a four year old daughter so we asked her. Although the situation we gave her was a wee bit different, we all three had the same reaction to it. The question we asked her was if her daughter, who doesn't know Delana and I are lovers saw Delana (because that's who the kid is closer to) in drag, how would she explain it to the daughter. Her response is that she would explaing it that Delana just likes to play dress up sometimes just like she does. When she got older and could understand better explain to her in more depth.

That's pretty much what Delana an I thought. As always it's your choice what to do, but just thought we'd let you know, we pondered the situation and if we were in your shoes. (and one day I maybe if my now little cousins see me in drag...their mom is cool with it, but just an idea).

Jamie

[DrLewall]

If I had a child and hung out with ANY of you fine people, rest assured that my child would see you for who you are, Auntie so-n-so or Uncle Buck, what ever..and when my child got older and asked any questions, I would try to explain it the best I could. But if my child asked questions and that child was too young to really understand any of this, then you are still who you are, not what you were. Sad that some feel the need to destroy and confuse a childs mind at such an early stage..let them grow and learn at a slow pace. No need to slam their heads into the pavement to wake them up and then dump a load of adult reality on them, only to disappoint them. Let age and "then" knowledge and understnading cushion the reality.

[BellaFaith]

I feel for you Cathy!
While it seems right to respect their rules in their place, there must be just as much respect for each individual or the whole thing is BS anyway! Children are a-lot more perceptive than we give them credit for, and open hearted. As far as my experience out and about with trans-folk frequently, we experience that the children are curious but not judgmental. It is them big folks that have a hard time with their own fears, not the little ones.

I alway err on the mind twist side: maybe respect their rules to be boy, but dress as close to the girl/androgynous side as you can get away with. The child is going to know the truth anyway. But do not feel you have to loose the connection with the little one. You may be one of the few open and accepting people in their lives, they may need you more than you need/want them!

We have been slowly sharing more of our lives with my very conservative family in New England. Mom and Dad sort of look at us trying to figure out what they should feel about us doing good work with a GLBT center, but working with a 'GLBT' center?! Then there is my favorite uncle from my childhood, more a Dad to me than any other. We told him on the phone today about some of the things going on and his immediate reaction was: Wow, that's GREAT! So there it is, the most important male figure from my past is still the most accepting in my life?!
As Donna gets more and more involved with the Community Center and politics, I know at some point someone in my family is going to catch her on the radio or on TV, and then they will all have to deal. We are trying to ease them toward it while not telling them until we know we have to. But that day is coming and I am not looking forward to the storm. Then again, I will not have to hide large chunks of my life from them anymore. I'm sure you know all these issues better than I. Hope I can ask for your insights when I loose track of the forest from staring at the trees.

Will be thinking about you.
Merry Christmas!!
l - Faith :)

[angela]

:D I as well, feel for you Cathy and everyone else going thru this. I, on the other hand, am a lesbian who for a long time lived as a straight woman in a hetero marriage(actually 2 of them). My mother passed away when my daughter was 11 mo old and never knew my son. So, since Mom passed away, I was always close to my aunt. I told her everything, especially when I started having attractions to women. My husband and I started experimenting and that's when Lisa came along. My husband and I split up, and Lisa and I were together. My aunt knew all this, and I told her that I wasn't going to tell Grandma because I didn't feel like she needed to know. I mean, she was in her late 70's at the time, and we visited, but not a lot. So I felt for the short durations of time that we visited, that I would call Lisa my roomate. Well, my aunt took it upon herself to tell my grandparents and they gave me the big speech in two separate letters about how wrong it was and that my kids and I were welcome at their house, but that woman was not. So, anytime I go to my grand parents' house, Lisa stays at home. If things had been left alone, it wouldn't have happened like it did. So, this may be a little different, but bigotry and hate is all the same. Take care!
Angela :D

[Dreamwalking]

Ahh what Angela is going thru with her grandparents is similar right now to my parents and the situation. Although communication is gone, they too had said Delana was not welcome at their house and I was. After talking to a lot of people on the board, I found that my ideas came the nearest Doc's idea of how to handle family like that. So now, I'll only communicate if I have to and I try to avoid them.

[angela]

:D Last Christmas in front of Grandma, my other aunt(not the one who spilled the beans) asked, "What is your friend doing tonight? It's like Lisa doesn't exist to them. But that's ok.
Angela

[CathyB59]

Angela, Dream, everyone,
It's interesting to note regardless how you stray from the formula
(1 man&1 woman) , you'll hear about it. doesn;t matter how much happier you are now.
It's easy to convince yourself it's no big deal. It's harder to believe it when you experience it, yes? I saw the brother and wifey Xmas night. My buddy was conspicuously absent, stopping just long enough for a hug, and a prefunctory Thank you for the gifts. . Lil Mommy wouldn;t look me in the face.
Oh well :roll:
Aside from the brief Lil Mommy/Cathy interlude it was smooth sailing.

I really appreciate the insights BTW.